Happy St. Andrew's Day

Today isSt. Andrew’s Day which Scotland has now officially adopted as the country’s national day. Typically of Scotland however the Scottish Government and the Scottish Parliament have utterly failed to make it into a public holiday. In fact I think this year is the first time anyone has ever tried to make a big deal out of it outside of the Catholic Church. It really doesn’t, and probably never will, hold a candle to the rambunctious celebrations of St Patrick’s Day. It makes me sad that half of the western world and a third of the eastern one will happily down a billion pints of Guinness and fall about drunk in emerald green brogues but nobody will raise a dram to poor old St. Andrew.

In honour of all things Scottish I present you with this outstanding melody:

Nemo me impune lacessit YA BASS!

Noun, Adjective and Verb

I’ve been reading a lot of the stuff they put on the intent to help school weans with their Standard Grades and Higher exams. After all my recent discussions about spelling, grammar and the rules of English I’ve come to a single important realisation: I don’t think anyone actually taught me how to write properly. Worse I don’t think this is something that is confined to me personally.

I can remember bits of primary one with the alphabet arranged on a long poster thing around the top of the room with each letter paired with an appropriate word: A is for Apple etc. After that I can remember starting to learn cursive writing in primary two, or maybe three. I’m not sure where they explained the idea of full stops, capital letters and other bits of punctuation, but I’m sure it was round about the same time. I can also remember some fairly intensive training in the more unusual features of English spelling: I before E except after C etc. What I can’t for the life of me remember is ever being specifically taken through the many confusing rules of English grammar. The most I remember is a constant barrage in primary three over the difference between adjectives, verbs and nouns.

The English language is far more complicated than you might realise, and even though I’ve got quite a few good books on the subject nowadays I still murder it on a regular basis. It’s gotten so bad of late that I’ve decided to go back to first principles and start re-educating myself in the fundamentals of punctuation and grammar. It doesn’t behove a man to claim to be a writer if he can’t string a readable sentence together.

As a final observation I’ve noticed that I actually make a far better job of things if I write them out by hand than I do with the computer. Maybe I should go back to writing paper drafts of things before I input them into the computer.

Note that I’m well aware there are probably grammatical and spelling problems with this post…

I'll Take a Box of Hee Haw

I’ve got a ridiculous calendar at work that I was given by one of our contractors. It’s a fairly bog standard thing that sits on the desk and you tear off the days from the pad. It also shows you important anniversaries and events that take place on that particular day. I call it ridiculous because its important event for the 18^th of November was the birthday of Owen Wilson the actor; hardly a landmark in the history of the world if you ask me.

Well according to the calendar today is International Buy Nothing Day. It’s not a holiday or event that I can say I’m familiar with, but it seems that it’s been on the go since 1992 in Canada. Wikipedia describes it as a day of informal protest against consumerism, but if you read between the lines it’s just another excuse for the unwashed socialist wannabes to avoid buying a bar of (organic) soap.

Since I only got paid today and I have no food in the house I can’t say that I’ll be observing this particular holiday. With only three weeks or so left until Christmas I can’t see most of the rest of the western world observing it either.

I might buy a better calendar…

I'll Take a Box of Hee Haw

I’ve got a ridiculous calendar at work that I was given by one of our contractors. It’s a fairly bog standard thing that sits on the desk and you tear off the days from the pad. It also shows you important anniversaries and events that take place on that particular day. I call it ridiculous because its important event for the 18^th of November was the birthday of Owen Wilson the actor; hardly a landmark in the history of the world if you ask me.

Well according to the calendar today is International Buy Nothing Day. It’s not a holiday or event that I can say I’m familiar with, but it seems that it’s been on the go since 1992 in Canada. Wikipedia describes it as a day of informal protest against consumerism, but if you read between the lines it’s just another excuse for the unwashed socialist wannabes to avoid buying a bar of (organic) soap.

Since I only got paid today and I have no food in the house I can’t say that I’ll be observing this particular holiday. With only three weeks or so left until Christmas I can’t see most of the rest of the western world observing it either.

I might buy a better calendar…

Ground Control To Major…

I like to subscribe to the cliché “that you learn a new thing everyday.” Well today while doing some training for the work I managed to learn several new things. That’s quite an achievement considering I was the one doing the training. To be fair they were really just components of the overall moral of the story.

• Don’t say “personally I’m going to dig up John Lennon’s corpse, load him into a rocket along with every copy of imagine ever recorded and shoot him into the sun.” in a room full of people you don’t know. There may just be a militant Beatles fan present.
• Don’t follow up the Lennon quip with “well now you mention it I’d probably tape Paul McCartney to the front of the rocket and load all the copies of Mull of Kintyre into it as well.” Seemingly they don’t like this idea any better than the one with Lennon.
• Don’t impersonate the Beatles throughout your presentation and definitely don’t present them as incompetent idiots that couldn’t do the thing you’re training out.
• Don’t say next time you’re going to pick on Buddy Holly or Elvis Presley instead, and especially not when your boss is some kind of secret hardcore Rockabilly fanatic.
• Don’t refuse to get involved in an argument about who was the better band: The Rolling Stones or The Beatles. Big Country is a valid answer apparently.

So in true 80s cartoon style I learned a lesson today: be careful what you say because you can never be sure who’s listening.

I was bemused at being told I have a brusque presentation style though: really made my day.

Since everyone is no doubt going to leap to the defense of the Beatles here’s a video of one of their more famous songs being done properly:

Of special note are the bongo drummer who looks like Ron Jeremy and the fiddle player who looks a bit like Raul Julia.

Tis The Season Once Again

Did anyone else get a Christmas card from the Royal Mail detailing their plans for the festive period? I got one the other day and I was about to throw it in the recycling bin when I noticed something odd about the copyright notice on the card.

Surely even the Royal Mail can’t lay claim to the entire colour red?

Thank You, Come Again

Belive it or not someone has actually come to this site by using the following search term:

mit verlaub herr president sie sind ein arschloch

Now I’m the first to admit that my german isn’t the greatest, but how on Earth did someone manage to find my site by typing something about a president being an arsehole? I suppose it probably brought them to my post about arseholes, but still they typed it in German.

Bizzarre.

After the Plaque

I’m just back from an impromptu trip to the dentist. One of the fillings I’ve had since I was a young teenager has been a bit loose for the last week and it was starting to worry me. The last one that fell out disappeared during the night and I didn’t even notice until the tooth started to rot. I didn’t want to take any chances by messing about with one of those temporary filling kits so the professionals were the only option.

The dentist himself seemed a nice enough person, no horns or anything, but he did seem over young to be sticking drills and needles into people’s heads. I’ve seen the same guy a couple of times now and I still can’t get over the difference in technique between him and the dentist that terrorised me while I was a kid.

Firstly the dentist’s chair is actually quite comfortable. The old ones felt like you were lying on a mortuary slab. The only truly weird thing about the seat is that it swings back so that your feet are higher than your head. This leaves you in the strange position of your face being level with the dentist’s thigh while he works on you. My dentist was good enough to explain that it promotes blood flow to the head and makes it easier for him to work on the patient. Still it does leave you feeling a bit uncomfortable lying there upside down while people work around you.

Then there are his instruments of oral destruction. In the bad old days these were laid out on a silver tray inches from your nose. Nowadays they hide them away behind you out of sight. This may seem like a small difference, but psychologically it’s a huge leap. No longer do you have to watch as he plays eeinie-meanie-minie-mo with various painful looking stainless steel probes.

Most importantly from my perspective is the dramatic improvement in anaesthesia. I distinctly remember having to have two injections when I first got my fillings and the first one was done with a needle that looked like a turkey baster. I was so surprised the first time I saw it that I took fright and started wrestling with the dentist like a wean possessed.

There is one other strange thing that’s a bit unsettling. I don’t know the proper name of it so I’m going to call it the Dental Hoover. I don’t ever remember the dentists of old being too concerned about the amount of saliva inside a patients mouth, but these young and trendy dentists really go to town with this strange suction device. It was a bit disconcerting at first when the dental nurse launched this thing into my mouth and it started vacuuming out my spit, but it’s the price you pay for good teeth I guess.

Finally I would like to say that that the NHS dental service in Scotland is very reasonable. It only cost me about £25 for the privilege of spending the rest of the day with my jaw paralysed, but at least my tooth is fine.

QUITE FRANKLY YA BASS

Recently the ever observant Man They Call McDowall has pointed out that I like to say the phrase “QUITE FRANKLY.” Well QUITE FRANKLY I think he’s just jealous that I’ve got an internet catchphrase and he doesn’t.

It has been noted by a few others that I have a couple of common phrases that I use. One that has been a subject of debate recently is my habit of saying “do you know what has always bugged me?” This statement is normally followed by some strange, outrageous or tangential statement. It has been suggested that I collate them into some kind of long list and publish it, a sort of “You Know What’s always Bugged Me?” miscellany.

Here’s a few to start off my list.

1. People with History Degrees that are having far more fun and success than the average history graduate (me). Timmy Mallett is the perfect example of this: he gets to hit stupid weans and students with a hammer for a living.
2. The fact that I spent years gazing at the weekend TV listings wondering what kind of cop show or action adventure show The Hitman and Her was. Imagine my crushing disappointment when I finally found out that it was a show about disco’s in Yorkshire.
3. Middle managers who use spreadsheets, specifically Microsoft Excel, to do the job of any and every other type of program from databases to report writing software. Mainly they do this because they can’t work any other program.
4. People at bus stops who walk into the middle of the road looking to see if a bus is coming: especially on long stretches of road. What is the point? The bus won’t come any quicker if you stand out there and you won’t see it any easier.

It's All Legal in the Court

We’ve ended up with a sudden shortage of manpower at THE WORK after three of my team were called up for jury service. It’s only a couple of months since I was cited for jury duty at the High Court, but unfortunately I never even got as far as the court let alone the jury benches. My two colleagues have been much luckier, though they don’t think so, and have been chosen to sit in on some cases. One is serving at the Sheriff Court and the other one has been picked for service in the High Court.

Jury service is something that has often fascinated me. I remember my folks getting all suited and booted when they were cited; although as far as I know only my Mum has ever served on a jury for real. Mostly it seems to involve sitting through an awful lot of boring talking and shuffling back and forth between rooms.

The High Court deals with all of the serious criminal law cases whereas the Sheriff Court deals with more middling legal business ranging from adoption appeals to civil claims. I think the High Court would probably be the more interesting of the two, but at the same time it would probably be far more intimidating that the Sheriff Court.

In the sheriff court you’re probably going to be in and out in the same day and more than likely you’ll be sitting in judgement on some half assed argument about property boundaries. With the High Court it’s more likely that you could end up sitting for days listening to some horrific details on the latest horrible child murder or some kind of violent robbery.

While reading up on the ins and outs of how courts work I discovered that the Scottish Court Service provides RSS feeds of the fifty latest judgements made in the High Courts and the Sheriff Courts. The judgements are naturally very heavy on the legalese but they make for interesting reading. While I was checking them out the judgement in the case of the Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Megrahi was listed on the feed.

Here are the links for both of the feeds for anyone that’s interested in the proceedings of the Scottish justice system.

High Court RSS Feed

Sheriff Court RSS Feed