Brighter Than The Sun

Through the course of today I’ve begun to wish that sunburn was instantly fatal. You may think that’s a somewhat odd statement, or perhaps an odd wish to have, but I do have a reason that extends beyond my usual brand of misanthropic super-villainy.

A bit of background is in order first I think.

You may have noticed that Scotland is suddenly in the throes of a miniature heatwave which appeared out of nowhere last week and proceeded to slow bake the whole country over the course of the last few days. It was particularly warm over the weekend with temperatures that rarely occur at this time in May. Many rejoiced and decided to spend the day lying around like dying slugs in the middle of the park, but many more took cover inside and cursed the shiny burning thing in the sky.

I of course was in the second camp as I really, really do not do well in the heat. I can’t sleep, I lose my appetite and I sweat like I’m lost in the Sahara at the slightest exertion. I wasn’t designed to deal with anything much above 22°C and anything about 26°C reduces me to lying on the laminate flooring mumbling incoherently. I am a Scotsman, with a good deal of Scandinavian and Irish ancestry thrown in, and I’m smart enough to admit that i don’t have the genetic predisposition needed to tolerate more than two hours of sunshine a day. Sadly much of the rest of Glasgow’s population don’t seem to be either willing, or able, to make a similarly logical acknowledgement of the limitations of their pasty, scrawny bodies and seem determined to get a “Pure Great Tan” at any cost.

What I have noticed, although it probably ranks up there with Phrenology as a scientific theory, is that the amount of sunburn seems to be inversely proportional to the intelligence of the subject. I’ve yet to see any of the smarter employees at The Work with sunburn, but all the halfwits that should be stacking shelves in Asda are all red as lobsters. What amuses me even more about these idiot lobster people is that instead of learning to cover up their pasty white flesh from further damage they, to a man, are wearing clothes that expose even more of their flesh to the sun’s unblinking gaze. Indeed they all seem fairly proud of their excessive sunburn and the odd tan-lines that it has etched across their skin.

I’ll admit that I’ve never been able to see the attraction in sunbathing. I can’t for the life of me understand why people pay to travel to exotic holiday destinations, and then spend their entire time lying around a pool with a bunch of like minded fools. However if sunburn was fatal then it’s likely I would never have to listen to another story about how some halfwit went to Greece/Turkey/Egypt/Delete As Appropriate* and sat around for two weeks soaking up the sunshine instead of investigating the local history and culture.

Might cut down on the number of oxygen thieving goons in the world at the same time.

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